5. Battle of Wits
[Enter Prince Humperdinck, the Count, and their guards, examining the battleground of Inigo and the man in black]
Humperdink: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
Count Rugen: Who won? How did it end?
Humperdink: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward Guilder...
Count Rugen: Shall we track them both?
Humperdink: The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Count Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdink: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I am still alive.
[Humperdinck and his men scurry off, while the man in black finds and confronts Vizzini who is preparing to eat.]
Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
Man in black: Let me explain...
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Man in black: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing her.
Man in black: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard or Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons!
Man in black: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? To the death? I accept!
Man in black: Good, then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine] Inhale this but do not touch.
Vizzini: [taking a vial from the man in black] I smell nothing.
Man in black: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Vizzini: [shrugs with laughter] Hmmm.
Man in black: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the goblets] Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemies? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?
Man in black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin,so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my
Spaniard, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
Man in black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind the man in black] What in the world can that be?
Man in black: [turning around, while Vizzini switches goblets] What?! Where?! I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini laughs]
Man in black: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets drink, me from my glass and you from yours.
[They both drink]
Man in black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!
[Vizzini continues to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, he stops and falls right over. The Man in black removes the blindfold from the princess]
Buttercup: Who are you?
Man in black: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you'll ever need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up immunity to iocaine powder.
[The scene switches back to Humperdinck and his men]
Humperdink: Some one has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in
Guilder if she dies.
[The scene jumps back to the man in black, running with the princess]
Man in black: [stops] Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you.
Man in black: [laughing] And what is that worth... the promise of a woman...You're very funny highness.
Buttercup: [catching her breath] I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Man in black: You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: [insulted] I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me - that I know.
Man in black: [surprised] You admit to me you do not love your fiance?.
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
Man in black: [snapping] ...Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Buttercup: [taken back] I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!
Man in black: [raising his hand at Buttercup] That was a warning, highness! The next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are penalties when a women lies.
[The scene cuts back to Humperdinck, examining the last battle scene]
Humperdink: Iocaine! I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princesses footprints. She is alive, or was an hour ago...if she is otherwise, I shall be very put out!
[Back to the Man in black, still running]
Man in black: Rest, highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
Man in black: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Man in black: [shaking his head] Hardly complimentary, your highness...Why do you assure venom on me?
Buttercup: [upset] You killed my love.
Man in black: It's possible, I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one...ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No, a farmboy...poor! Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. On the the high-seas your ship attacked, and the Dread
Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners!
Man in black: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Man in black: Life is pain, highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something. [pausing for a bit] I remember this farmboy of yours I think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Man in black: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the please that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True love' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Man in black: Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?!
Buttercup: You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day!
[The man in black and Buttercup see Humperdinck's horses in the distance]
Buttercup: [pushing him down the hillside] You can die too, for all I care!!
Man in black: [tumbling down and echoing] As.......you.....wish.......
Buttercup: [shocked] Oh, my sweet Westley, what have I done?
[Buttercup hurls herself down the mountain, in chase of Westley.]
[Humperdinck moves closer]
Humperdink: They disappeared. They must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed straight into the fire swamp.
[Westley and Buttercup finally cease falling. Westley moves over to help Buttercup]
Westley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: [joyous] Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.
Westley: [holding Buttercup] I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: [sincerely] Well, you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.
[Buttercup and Westley kiss]
Kid: [interrupting the story] Oh, no! No. Please!
Grandfather: What is it? What's the matter?
Kid: [disgusted] They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday you might not mind so much.
Kid: Get on to the fire swamp, that sounded good!
Grandfather: Oh...you're sick, I'll humor you. Oh, okay....[finds the right page]
6.The Fire Swamp
Narrator: Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.
Westley: Aha! Your pig fiance is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp.
Buttercup: [worried] We'll never survive.
Westley: [confident] Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has.
[They proceed into the dreary, damp swamp. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds of many creatures permeate the air.]
Westley: It's not that bad...[receives a glance from Buttercup] Well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are actually quite lovely.
[They continue through an eerie maze of trees. Suddenly, a popping sound is heard. A flame shoots up from the ground, catching Buttercup's dress on fire. She screams.]
Westley: [calmly, smothering the flame] Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Buttercup: [nervously shaking her head no] You?
[Westley simply nods his head no, not losing an ounce of confidence. They continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. Westley calmly lifts Buttercup out of harms way as a flame rises from the ground.]
Westley: Well, one thing I will say; the fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. [Westley cuts through a mass of vines] Robert's ship Revenge is banked at the far end. And as you know I am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how's that possible, since he's been marauding 20 years and you only left me 5 years ago?
Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying please was true...it intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, 'Alright Westley, never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'm most likely to kill you in the morning.' For three years said that. 'Good night Westley, good work, sleep well, I'm most likely to kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Westley: Well Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said 'my name is Ryar. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me.
Westley: [continuing] The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either - his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been retired 15 years and was living like a king in Patagonia.' Thank you. Then he explained the name was the important for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that were together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
[Buttercup nods, and then suddenly steps into a pit of sand and vanishes Westley, thinking quickly, cuts a vine and ties it around himself then plunges down In search of Buttercup. Moments later, they resurface, gasping for breath and Coughing.]
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Westley: No, no. [still gasping] We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem - there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.
[Just as Westley finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him. The rodent bites]
[Westley on the shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward]
[Buttercup.]
Buttercup: [screaming] Westley!!
[Westley jumps on the beast and Buttercup fends it away with a large branch. After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Westley gives chase and stabs it a few Times, killing it.]
7. Conditional Surrender
[Westley and Buttercup finally exit the fire swamp, tired and worn.]
Buttercup: [triumphantly] We did it!
Westley: Now, was that so terrible?
[Out of nowhere, the galloping of horses. Prince Humperdinck has found them.]
Humperdink: Surrender!
Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
Humperdink: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
[Humperdinck's men surround Westley and Buttercup with crossbows.]
Humperdink: I tell you once again, surrender!
Westley: It will not happen! [Westley draws his sword]
Humperdink: [shouting] For the last time, surrender!
Westley: Death first!
Buttercup: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdink: What was that?
Westley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Humperdink: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
Humperdink: I swear it will be done. [Humperdinck whispers to Count Rugen] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Count Rugen: I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: [to Westley] I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you. [Buttercup is lifted onto one of the horses and taken away. Humperdinck leaves.]
Count Rugen: [to Westley] Come sir, we must get you to your ship.
Westley: We are men of action, lies do not become us.
Count Rugen: Well spoken sir. [He motions for the guards to escort him away. Westley notices the Count has six fingers.] What is it?
Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you...
[Count Rugen quickly knocks Westley out with the hilt of his sword.]
[The Pit of Despair]
[Enter an albino. The albino examines Westley, who is tied down, and cleanses his wounds.]
Westley: Where am I?
Albino: [in a raspy voice] The Pit of Despair....don't even think...[cough, gag] [The albino loses his raspy voice.] Don't even think about trying to escape. The chain are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out.
Westley: Then I'm here 'till I die?
Albino: 'Till they kill you, yeah.
Westley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Westley: So it's to be torture. [The albino gestures happily] I can cope with torture. [The albino vigorously shakes his head no.] You don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire-swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody withstands the machine.
8. Alternative to Suicide
[The Castle]
[Buttercup roams the castle, saddened. Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen are planning, and notice Buttercup.]
Humperdink: She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Count Rugen: Of course.
Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
Humperdink: [to anticipating crowd] My father's final words were...[interruption]
Kid: Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it...after all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair?
Kid: [angry] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?
Kid: [apologetic] Yes.
Grandfather: Alright then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
[Back to the story]
Humperdink: My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy.? I present to you, your queen; Queen Buttercup.
[Buttercup comes out before the crowd. She is met by a hideous woman]
Woman: [in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
Buttercup: [upset] Why do you do this?
Woman: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!
Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.
Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! True love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence!
Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
[Buttercup wakes up]
Narrator: It was ten days 'till the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.
Kid: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck.
Grandfather: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
[Buttercup confronts Humperdinck in his quarters]
Buttercup: It comes to this: I love Westley, I always have - I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry thee in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Humperdink: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. [turns to the Count] You um...returned this Westley to his ship?
Count Rugen: [in a sly voice] Yes.
Humperdink: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, [to Buttercup] are you certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their words.
Buttercup: My Westley will always come for me.
Humperdink: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both; if not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
9. The Suction Machine
[The Tree Grove]
[Count Rugen and Humperdinck are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair.]
Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
Humperdink: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find..[he finds it and the tree opens to reveal a hidden passage] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
Humperdink: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles halfheartedly]
[Count Rugen enters the pit, and Humperdinck leaves the tree grove.]
Count Rugen: [admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Count Rugen activates the water powered torture machine. Westley writhes in great pain.]
Count Rugen: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
[Westley cries and moans in pain]
Count Rugen: Interesting.
10. Brute Squad
[Humperdinck again is in his quarters]
[Yellin, Humperdinck's man-at-arms enters the room]
Humperdink: Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdink: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: Killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: [surprised] My spy network has heard no such news.
[Buttercup quietly enters]
Buttercup: Any word from Westley?
Humperdink: [startled] Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me. [Buttercup leaves]
Humperdink: Of course. [turns to Yellin] She will not be murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested!
Yellin: [distraught] Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humperdink: [angered] Form a brute squad then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, Sire.
Humperdink: [sarcastically] Try ruling the world sometime.
Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdincks orders.
[The Thieves' Forest. Yellin and his men are clearing out the forest.]
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well, you give him some...trouble. Move!
[Inigo is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Inigo is drunk.]
Inigo: [loud] I am waiting for you Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.
Brute: [angry] Ho there!
Inigo: [stumbling] I do not budge. Keep your ho there.
Brute: But the prince gave orders!
[Inigo jumps up and slashes at the brute with his sword. The guard is taken back.]
Inigo: I know you Vizzini...when the job went wrong you went back to the beginning...And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying 'till Vizzini comes.
Brute: [calls out behind Inigo] You! Brute, come here!
Inigo: [mumbling to himself] I...am...waiting...for...Vizzini. [Just then, and hand grabs him from behind]
Fezzik: You surely are a meany.
[Inigo looks up, and sees that it's Fezzik]
Fezzik: Hello.
Inigo: It's you!
[The brute jumps in to see what's going on, but Fezzik knocks him out with one punch]
Fezzik: You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine... [Fezzik lets go of Inigo, who falls on his face]
Narrator: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited, and as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Inigo falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo. [by repeatedly soaking his head in and out of hot and cold barrels of water]
Inigo: [more sober] That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I might kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: [counting on his fingers] ...Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini is dead.
Inigo: [inspired] No...not Vizzini. I need the man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day! Let's go!
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: ...Find the man in black obviously.
Fezzik: But you don't know where he is?
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles, after twenty years at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
Tags: the princess bride
